The Pre-Marital Questions You Should Ask | How Can I Choose my life Partner?

While some people court their boyfriend or girlfriend to marry, some go for arranged marriages. Whatever might be the reason like, parental pressure or didn’t find their true love or like not having a good opinion on love marriages, it is just as normal to look for arranged marriages as it is to marry someone they love. But for such an arranged marriage, after the formal marital meet, people consider getting to know each other well. Decades ago, the arranged marriages were far different from what they are today. Thank god times have changed and you are now allowed to go on dates and dinner and to get to know each other.

Marriages are made in heaven, but it takes a lot to make them happen. Knowing each other well before marriage is highly important. In case, you are having a family which is against to spend more time with a person before you can decide if you can marry him, have a personal talk with your family members and try to convince them why this is important to you. Remember, you can never have this chance once you are married. And, rather than going for a divorce after having married, it’s much better to get to know each other well before marriage.

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Also read: Advice for Newlyweds | Tips to a great marriage

Expectations vs. Reality in Arranged Marriages

Expectation	Reality
Immediate Compatibility	Compatibility may develop over time through understanding and effort.
Love at First Sight	Love often grows gradually with mutual respect and shared experiences.
Complete Agreement on All Topics	Differences in opinion are natural; resolving them respectfully is key.
Seamless Integration into Each Other’s Families	Adjusting to new family dynamics can take time and patience.
Unchanging Personal Habits and Behaviors	People evolve; flexibility and adaptability are essential in a partnership.
Constant Romance and Affection	Real-life responsibilities may affect romantic gestures; maintaining affection requires effort.
Full Alignment on Financial Matters	Financial views might differ; open conversations and planning are necessary.
Automatic Division of Household Responsibilities	Roles and duties need to be discussed and agreed upon.
Identical Life Goals and Ambitions	Goals may diverge; supporting each other’s individual aspirations is crucial.
No Conflicts or Arguments	Disagreements are part of any relationship; healthy conflict resolution is important.

What, How and Where?

Well, you must be having a number of questions in your head on what should you know, how to ask all your questions, Is it good to ask all at once or can you meet again if you miss something now, how should you approach and where should you meet, etc., etc. Huh… too many things, right? Just remember that this is a phase that everyone has to come across. This is really precious time when you are deciding on your future. If you don’t like your job, you can search for some other. But, if you marry someone who’s not of your type and on whom you’re unable to decide if you can take a step forward, your life will be in trouble.

Once you feel committed, you will eventually invest your emotions too, which could make you deeply hurt if things go wrong later. Hence, take time to observe and analyze at every step. Especially, be positive in your approach. Please conclude on all the habits and the things which don’t like to be present in your spouse.

For example: Be strict in turning down an alliance when you don’t really like him/her smoking, drinking or having certain dietary habits or any other habit that you don’t like.

Read more: The secret to a good marriage | Marriage tips for a long-lasting bond

Select a Couple-friendly Place

Don’t try to shower multiple questions at her place or the place where you first met or had your parents meet you both. Ask her for some comfortable time and select a nice place. A corner table at a couple-friendly restaurant or a coffee-shop could be a better choice. See that nobody disturbs you to divert your attention and check that you are neither too privately sitting nor too publicly. If necessary, ask the waiter to serve something you both wish to have and please insist that he makes sure that you both are not disturbed.

Seat opposite to each other and make sure the place and your breath also smells nice. Look into the eyes while talking and let the sincerity be known. Never let any kind of sarcasm or unnecessary controversies arise in your topics. Don’t insist too much on making sure your opinions are correct. In case you feel offended by any talks, just inform it and leave. Make sure you are audible; don’t let him/her feel that they must be deaf.

Don’t hesitate to offer help if the other person is too shy to speak up. Try to think rationally on every topic and be open to any negative remarks. Dress appealing and decent, but not too gaudy or too dim. Sit comfortably and treat everyone with a smile. Be patient and take a deep breath before you start off. All the best!!

Explore more on our article: Why is Premarital Counselling Needed? | Significance and Uses of Premarital Counselling

Ask Frankly, but not Rudely

Be frank in your questions but never forget to use the three magical words; thanks, sorry and please. Try to put your questions like, “May I know how much you like your job?” “I wonder what you would be looking in your spouse” or “Can you please let me know your opinion on my parents?” etc.

Ask about his/her job

Try to know the details if he/she likes the job they do, or looking for better choices. If so, why? Know about the work culture, timings and the nature of the job. With these details, you could get to know if that person does what he/she likes or prefers to look forward to a better future or if he/she is the one that seeks happiness in what is there in hand. If they are seeking opportunities, know if they are after mere money, or career or a better work environment. This lets you know what the person prioritizes.

Ask where they would like to live

Just ask a random question like where he/she would love to live if they get a chance. If the answer involves some distant island or pleasure-filled or fantasy-like place, you can have an idea of how unrealistic and how delusional they are!! Probably, not so matured enough to see the real world and the way how it goes like. Such people might also have an inclination towards spending money for fun rather than for something important.

Longest Relationship

Ask a question like, “Well, How long was your recent relationship/ friendship?” This lets you know how well he/she can maintain a relationship and how strong it could be. If it was a breakup, try to find out
the reason so that you would know what makes him/ her go upset in relationships and how he/ she reacts while being in a relationship. Analyze all these while letting him/her describe it. Look straight in the eyes to know if it’s a cooked up story. Don’t be rude but sympathize with the story yet try not to reveal your thoughts through your expressions.

Know more about the Effect of love and compassion in our life

Talk About Finances

Ask casually about the financial plans he/she is having and check if they match your wavelength. In case, you both don’t seem to resonate in monetary terms, like if he/she seems to be highly calculative, ask them to elaborate on that to have an idea of how good they can handle the finances.
Also, observe how many times the terms, “my or mine” is being used rather than “we or us” while being in monetary conversations. Look into the eyes to know if they are highly interested in money or hiding the interest or if genuinely not too-much money minded. Please differentiate the mindset of being financially well-planned to being completely money-minded.

Discover on this How Do You Discuss Finances With Your Spouse or Partner?

Know About their Health

Know about the details of their health and explain about your health conditions. Knowing about each other’s health conditions and their family’s hereditary health problems is a must these days. For example, diabetes and hypertension are common problems that come as heredity.

Opinion on Friends and Family

Ask how much time he/she can allot for his friends and family, how well could he/she take care of your family and if they are fine if you want a day-out with your friends, after marriage whenever you want. This will let you know their concern about your personal space too. Know if they ever involved in fights and what’s their take on that. You will now know if he/she is a fire-brand or a play-it-cool kind.

Strengths and Limitations

Know about their strengths and their limitations in different aspects so as to understand if they fit in your life. Once you get married, your partner completes you and vice versa. Hence knowing where they find peace, joy, and thrill and in doing what or what he/she likes to do the most and spend their free time could also let you know them better.

Voice of Equality

Know their opinion on a wife’s duty or a husband’s duty. Understand if there is gender discrimination in the house and who takes the in-charge of what in their house. This lets you know if you can be happy after the marriage in such an environment or not.

About Sex and Kids

Once you are comfortable enough to think of having him/her as your life partner, try to find out what turns him/her like what their interests of romance would be and how many kids are they planning, etc. etc. Though such questions seem to be normal for some, some might feel offended or could judge you.

Know more on Lack of Sexual intimacy in Relationships

Play at your own risk

By now, you must be having an idea on the whole. Some people could be introverts or may not be convenient in discussing many things with others. So, never insist too much but just know how far he/she is being social. You should come to a conclusion on whether you can handle yourself if the person being very socially active than you or being too shy to be social. Get to a rough estimate on how true he/she is being and how far you feel him/her trustworthy. Finally, you can take the help of your closest friend to assess his/her qualities or write on a book about the qualities you found.

Conflict Resolution Styles

Conflict Resolution Style	Description	Beneficial When…	Detrimental When…
Avoiding	Ignoring the conflict, hoping it will resolve itself or go away.	Temporary avoidance can provide time to cool down or if the issue is trivial.	Consistently avoiding issues can lead to unresolved problems and resentment.
Accommodating	Yielding to the other’s wishes without considering one’s own needs or desires.	Used to resolve minor disagreements or when the issue is more important to the other person.	Overuse can lead to loss of voice in the relationship and decreased self-esteem.
Confronting (Problem-Solving)	Addressing the issue directly and working together to find a mutually satisfactory solution.	Most conflicts that require a lasting resolution and when both partners are willing to communicate.	If not handled respectfully, can escalate the conflict or lead to a win-lose situation.
Compromising	Each party gives up something to reach a mutually acceptable solution.	When time is limited, or a quick, temporary solution is needed, and both sides are valued equally.	Can lead to both parties feeling unsatisfied if used as the only method of conflict resolution.
Collaborating	Working together to find a creative solution that satisfies both parties without significant compromise.	Complex issues where both partners’ needs and desires are important.	Can be time-consuming and may not be necessary for simple problems.

Conclusion

In the journey to marriage, particularly through arranged setups, the article advocates for the essential practice of open dialogue and mutual understanding between potential partners. It emphasizes the need to explore a variety of topics, from personal habits and job satisfaction to financial planning and family dynamics, before making a lifelong commitment. These conversations serve not only to assess compatibility but also to lay a strong foundation for a future together, highlighting the importance of knowing each other’s values, aspirations, and views on critical life decisions.

The significance of wellness hubs and pre-marital counseling is underscored as a crucial step for couples. These resources provide expert advice and a structured environment to discuss and understand each other better, addressing any concerns or differences that may arise. By taking advantage of such services, couples can enhance their relationship, ensuring a more informed, thoughtful, and resilient partnership as they step into marriage. This approach fosters a healthier, more satisfying union, prepared to navigate the complexities of married life together.

Frequently Asked Questions:

1. What essential questions should be discussed in arranged marriage meetings?

It’s vital to discuss each other’s career aspirations, financial management styles, lifestyle choices, health issues, and family dynamics. Understanding each other’s views on children, leisure activities, personal and professional goals, and expectations from marriage can also significantly impact compatibility and mutual satisfaction.

2. How does pre-marital counseling contribute to a stronger marriage in arranged setups?

Pre-marital counseling offers a structured environment for couples to explore their compatibility, communication styles, conflict resolution strategies, and expectations from marriage. It provides tools and techniques for building a strong foundation, addressing unresolved issues, and fostering emotional intimacy, all of which are crucial for a resilient and fulfilling marriage.

3. Why is understanding a partner’s financial perspective and lifestyle essential?

Aligning on financial matters and lifestyle choices is crucial as these are common areas of contention in marriages. Understanding and agreeing on spending habits, savings goals, investment strategies, and lifestyle preferences helps prevent conflicts, ensuring both partners work towards common goals with shared values.

4. What’s the significance of discussing personal values and future goals with a potential spouse?

These discussions ensure that both individuals have shared or compatible values and visions for their future, including career ambitions, family planning, and personal development goals. Alignment in these areas contributes to a harmonious relationship, with both partners supporting each other’s growth and aspirations.

5. Can wellness hubs and pre-marital assessments truly enhance marital success rates?

Yes, these resources offer evidence-based tools and insights into relationship dynamics, helping couples understand their strengths and areas for improvement. Engaging in these assessments and utilizing wellness resources can lead to better communication, deeper understanding, and stronger emotional bonds, significantly enhancing marital satisfaction and longevity.

6. How crucial is it to discuss health issues and family medical history before marriage?

Open discussions about health conditions and family medical histories are essential for preparing couples to support each other in health-related matters. It also helps in making informed decisions regarding genetics, family planning, and lifestyle adjustments to mitigate potential health risks.

7. What impact do discussions about friends, family, and personal space have on marital happiness?

Acknowledging and respecting each other’s need for personal space and social relationships is key to maintaining individuality and independence within a marriage. These discussions help set healthy boundaries, ensuring both partners feel valued and supported in maintaining their relationships outside the marriage.

8. How do understanding and accepting individual strengths and limitations affect partner choice?

Recognizing and appreciating each other’s strengths and accepting limitations allows couples to build a supportive and empathetic relationship. It fosters a partnership where both individuals feel empowered to contribute their best, enhancing mutual respect and understanding.

9. What role does discussing expectations about domestic roles and responsibilities play in arranged marriages?

Clarifying expectations about household chores, childcare, and other domestic responsibilities is crucial for preventing misunderstandings and resentment. Couples should discuss and negotiate these roles early on, aiming for a fair and flexible distribution that aligns with their individual preferences and schedules.

10. How important is it to talk about conflict resolution styles and methods before getting married?

Understanding how each partner approaches conflict and disagreement is vital for navigating challenges in marriage. Discussing conflict resolution styles helps couples develop effective strategies for addressing issues constructively, promoting a healthy, communicative relationship that can withstand the inevitable ups and downs of married life.

About the Author:

Prapoorna Mangalampalli

M.Sc., M.A., (Dual Masters in Psychology & English) – Counselor (6+ years of experience)

Prapoorna armed with a passionate dedication fueled by dual Master’s degrees in Psychology and English, Prapoorna sheds light on and elevates human experiences. Over 6+ years of experience fuel her insightful approach to counseling, offering profound empathy and guidance across diverse areas like online, marital, relationship, child, family, and career counseling.

At Wellness Hub, she thrives in a team environment that values innovation, compassion, and achieving results for their clients.

Connect with Prapoorna to learn how she can help you or your loved one find their voice and build a brighter future.