The most important questions you should ask them before marriage
By Prapoorna M
Last Updated: January 17, 2023
Most couples get excited at the talk of marriage and dream about their lovely future. “Will you marry me?” is the one question that completely brings a paradigm shift in a man’s or woman’s life. As exciting as the marriage event is, the roles of a wife and husband after marriage are so confused! You would not know how it will be and how it should be after marriage. Slowly, you would start wondering why you did not discuss all these important things before marriage and come to an agreement on certain terms. It might some ridiculous to some people when we think about rules in love. Still, certain rules must be made when a relationship has to be maintained. Only then the love between the couples would sustain. Let us go through the most important questions you should ask them before marriage. It is important so as not to regret it later.
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Most important questions you should ask
Why is it important to ask certain questions and discuss them before marriage? The answer to this is to lead a peaceful and harmonious married life. So, you would doubt now that there would be no peace in the marriage if there were no questions asked before such commitments. Or you might ask, “So, if I ask these questions, won’t I get any problems later?” Unfortunately, there is no such promise. Some compatibility issues will occur when two people from different backgrounds start a life together. But the way you deal with those issues makes all the difference. Asking certain questions would give you a way to understand how they perceive a certain issue from their perspective and how it can be dealt with.
How does your family behave when they fight?
This question is essential to understand their pattern of dealing with conflicts. A person’s family environment has a strong influence on him or her. He or she mostly adapts the same behaviours in dealing with issues. For example, some people throw things, some remain silent, some shout louder, and some silently do something that annoys the trouble creator. Everyone has their way. If you can understand how your partner’s family deals with a problem, you will have an idea of what you will face in future when there an issue occurs. Accordingly, you may plan your activities so as not to complicate them further.
How familiar are you with daily chores, and how do you help in the kitchen?
Female partners mostly put this question to know if their male partner will help them with household chores in the future. It is a good idea to talk about the duties, roles, and responsibilities before starting to stay together. Many men are learning to cook and do household chores, whereas they are previously treated as a lady’s job.
Read more: How to balance time for your work and family while working from home?
Will our experiences with our Exes help us?
It is always an avoidable topic when it comes to our past experiences. On the one hand, we are curious about our partner’s past. On the other hand, we are worried about any kind of insecurities that might arise. However, an uncomfortable air surrounds us when we speak about our Exes. It depends on an individual’s opinion to discuss or avoid past romantic experiences. Anyways, it always helps us to have an open mind that our partner has a life ahead of us.
Learn more: How to deal with lies in a Relationship?
Are we going to have children, and if so, how many?
It is a healthy option to discuss the topic of children too. Suppose you are going to be parents at all or not. If yes, how many children are you going to have? It is important because nobody in this generation is ready for some big surprises they must bear for their entire lives. Some couples plan to be parents only after achieving a suitable financial status. Some prepare themselves to be ready as and when nature supports them.
Another important topic is the roles and responsibilities after becoming parents. Later on, changing a diaper should not be a problem for one of you. If both of you are willing to share the responsibilities, it lays a strong foundation for a meaningful marriage.
How do we manage our finances?
It is a highly prominent question that couples have in mind but is hesitant to ask one another. You often have questions like, “Are my debts yours too?” “Can I spend my earnings per my wish?” “How much of my money should I contribute to the family?” “How much can I spend per my interests (on shoes, watches, dresses, handbags, or cars)?” “Are we going to pay together to fill the loan amount for our new house?” Such questions commonly arise. It is essential to discuss such financial issues with your partner before getting engaged.
Know more: How Do You Discuss Finances With Your Spouse or Partner?
How do you like my parents?
In a long-term commitment like marriage, having a good relationship with your partner’s parents is also important. Having a question like this reminds us of each other’s responsibilities towards each other’s parents. You need to discuss if your parents will stay with you. Suppose any extended family members like unmarried sisters or brothers would stay in a joint family. In that case, they are also to be discussed. You should also express your responsibilities towards your parents and your expectations from your partner towards your parents. This helps in having a good family relationship in future.
Explore more: How Should the Relationship between Mother-In-Law and Daughter-In-Law be?
Understanding and Supporting Each Other
| Aspect | Your Preferences/Values | Partner’s Preferences/Values | How We Can Support Each Other |
|---|---|---|---|
| Hobbies & Interests | Your hobbies and interests, including how you like to spend free time. | Partner’s hobbies and interests. | Ways you can support or join in each other’s hobbies, or ensure each has time for their interests. |
| Personal Growth | Areas you wish to grow in personally, such as learning new skills or improving certain qualities. | Areas your partner wishes to grow in. | How you can support each other’s personal growth, including encouragement, resources, or joint activities. |
| Work/Life Balance | Your ideal work/life balance and how you achieve it. | Partner’s ideal work/life balance. | Strategies to support each other in achieving a healthy work/life balance, including time management or stress-reduction techniques. |
| Health & Wellness | Your approach to maintaining health and wellness, including exercise, diet, and mental health practices. | Partner’s approach to health and wellness. | How to support each other’s health and wellness goals, such as shared activities, meal planning, or reminders for self-care. |
| Communication Styles | How you prefer to communicate, especially during disagreements. | Partner’s preferred communication style. | Agree on effective communication strategies that respect both partners’ styles, especially in resolving conflicts. |
How important is sex to us?
Couples are discussing the topic of sex and how often they need it too. It has become a topic of concern because many couples are getting divorced because of this topic. Especially if the person is not a straight one or maybe a wild or experimental type, and if you are the opposite, there could be mini-wars daily. Sexual compatibility is highly required for a peaceful marital life.
Know more about our article on Relation Between Sex and Success in Marriage | In What Ways does Sexual Intimacy Contribute to Marriage?
How far is flirting allowed, and can I watch porn?
These questions arise because, for some, flirting a little in the pub is allowed. While for some, experimenting with exchanging partners is fun. You never know what is on their mind until they say it frankly. People have different ideas about sex and pornography. Some would love to watch porn with their wife or girlfriend. At the same time, some may not like the stuff at all. Some couples would try and experiment with different ways of enjoyment. If your partner is not interested in any of these and you are a crazed fan of porn, you will end up masturbating every second day!
Read more: How to Say NO to Marital Sex? | How to Reject a Love-making Proposal Without Hurting?
What do you like about me, and what keeps us together?
This question is self-explanatory on why you need to ask this. It is good to know what is driving them towards you. Having a common interest and harvesting always helps. Whether it is enjoying sex, watching a movie together, or maybe discussing gossip, knowing what keeps you together helps in having a comfortable life. Planning together to have a life apart from daily professional hassles is essential in today’s life.
Where do you see us in the next ten years?
Do you mean relationship goals? Yes, of course! One should have goals in life. And relationship goals are nothing less. Having a dream of seeing us both at a beach resort, watching our two kids playing in the kid’s arena, can be a great idea too!
Also Read: 10 Important Milestones in a Relationship
Comparing Perspectives on Key Topics
| Topic | Your Perspective | Partner’s Perspective | Potential Compromise |
|---|---|---|---|
| Finances | Your views on budgeting, debts, savings, and personal spending. | Partner’s views on budgeting, debts, savings, and personal spending. | Agree on budgeting methods, handling of debts, savings goals, and allowances for personal spending. |
| Children | Your desires and expectations about having children, including when and how many. | Partner’s desires and expectations about having children, including when and how many. | Find common ground on timing, number of children, and parenting styles. |
| Daily Chores | Your expectations for household responsibilities and contributions. | Partner’s expectations for household responsibilities and contributions. | Devise a fair division of labor that considers both partners’ schedules and preferences. |
| Family Dynamics | Your perception of handling conflicts and family involvement in your lives. | Partner’s perception of handling conflicts and family involvement in your lives. | Develop strategies for conflict resolution and set boundaries for family involvement. |
| Experiences with Exes | Your stance on discussing past relationships and what can be learned from them. | Partner’s stance on discussing past relationships and what can be learned from them. | Decide on how much to share about past relationships and agree on lessons to take forward. |
| Parenting Roles | Your views on parenting roles and responsibilities, including involvement in child-rearing tasks. | Partner’s views on parenting roles and responsibilities, including involvement in child-rearing tasks. | Outline a parenting plan that shares responsibilities and aligns with both partners’ beliefs. |
Are you still having doubts if you both would be a perfect match? Do you think you need to know more about your future together? We suggest a premarital counselling session for you. Book an appointment with one of our relationship experts for premarital counselling as soon as possible.
Conclusion
Navigating the journey towards marriage is enriched by the courage to ask significant questions that unearth the fundamentals of compatibility and shared values between partners. These inquiries span from understanding conflict resolution patterns inherited from family dynamics, to daily living habits, perspectives on past relationships, plans about parenthood, financial management, mutual respect for parents, the role of intimacy, boundaries around flirting and pornography, and the essence of the couple’s bond. Each question serves as a stepping stone towards building a robust foundation for a harmonious and fulfilling marriage.
Furthermore, the importance of a wellness hub, like premarital counselling, cannot be overstated in its role as a facilitator for these critical discussions. Such platforms offer a structured environment for couples to explore their expectations, fears, and dreams with professional guidance, ensuring that the commitment to a shared life is made with eyes wide open to both the beauty and the complexity of marriage. Premarital counselling acts as a bridge between the love-struck engagement phase and the reality of married life, offering tools for communication, conflict resolution, and deepening the emotional connection. Ultimately, engaging in these conversations and seeking support from a wellness hub are acts of profound love and commitment to the longevity and health of the relationship, setting the stage for a marriage that is not only enduring but also enriching and joyful.
About the Author:
Prapoorna Mangalampalli
M.Sc., M.A., (Dual Masters in Psychology & English) – Counselor (6+ years of experience)
Prapoorna armed with a passionate dedication fueled by dual Master’s degrees in Psychology and English, Prapoorna sheds light on and elevates human experiences. Over 6+ years of experience fuel her insightful approach to counseling, offering profound empathy and guidance across diverse areas like online, marital, relationship, child, family, and career counseling.
At Wellness Hub, she thrives in a team environment that values innovation, compassion, and achieving results for their clients.
Connect with Prapoorna to learn how she can help you or your loved one find their voice and build a brighter future.
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